Postpartum Sex: A Guide to Rediscovering Intimacy With Vanessa Marin
Hey mama,
Let’s talk about something that doesn’t get enough airtime but lives rent-free in the minds of so many new moms: sex after having a baby. The truth? Postpartum intimacy can feel awkward, overwhelming, and totally disconnected from the glossy, unrealistic expectations we’re often fed. Hormones are raging, your body feels like it’s been through battle (because it has), and the last thing on your mind might be hopping back into bed.
And who better to guide us than Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist, sex therapist, and New York Times best-selling author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life? Vanessa, alongside her husband Xander, has dedicated her career to helping couples keep their spark alive, even during life’s most challenging seasons (looking at you, newborn stage).
Here’s what Vanessa had to say about navigating intimacy after childbirth—because let’s be honest, no one’s bouncing back to lingerie-clad escapades at six weeks postpartum.
From Duo to Trio (or More): Navigating the Shift
Before kids, Nina and her husband had their routines down pat. Long-distance relationships? Juggled. Busy schedules? Managed. But when kids entered the scene, especially with three little ones, the game changed. Nina shares, "Creating time for each other used to happen naturally and easily. By the time we added three kids to the mix, creating time for each other had become our biggest challenge. We had to get very intentional about carving out time to nurture our relationship." The secret sauce? Scheduling date nights like you would a recurring Zoom call. No matter what, their weekly date night is non-negotiable.
The Struggle Is Real: Why Postpartum Intimacy Feels Impossible
Vanessa gets it: everything in your life has changed. You’re sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and caring for a tiny human who treats you like their personal 24/7 snack bar. Add to that a body that feels like a stranger and hormones that scream, “Procreate again? Are you kidding me?” It’s no wonder intimacy takes a backseat.
According to Vanessa, some common challenges include:
1. Low Libido: Thanks, hormones! Post-birth, your body is biologically wired to focus on survival, not seduction.
2. Body Changes: Feeling disconnected from a body that has worked overtime to grow and birth a baby is normal—and healing takes time.
3. Pain and Discomfort: That six-week postpartum checkup? It just means you’re medically “cleared,” not that your body is ready for action.
4. Disconnection With Your Partner: Babies have a knack for stealing the spotlight, leaving little room for quality time as a couple.
Ditch the Guilt: It’s Not a Race to the Bedroom
Here’s the truth bomb: intimacy after childbirth is not an obligation. Vanessa emphasizes that this time in your life is about grace, not guilt.
“You’ve grown a human. Your body has been through trauma and triumph,” she says. “Respect that incredible achievement and give yourself the space to recover emotionally and physically.”
If a partner’s pressure or guilt-tripping enters the picture? It’s time for a serious talk—or even couples therapy. “It’s okay for your partner to say, ‘I miss us,’ but it’s not okay for them to push you into something you’re not ready for,” Vanessa reminds us.
Don’t Bury Your Head in the Sand
One of the most common mistakes couples make when intimacy isn’t where they want it to be? Avoiding the topic altogether. Vanessa explains that ignoring the issue only leads to hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
“When we don’t talk about our sex lives, our partners might assume we don’t care or miss them, which can create a lot of unnecessary tension,” she shares.
Instead, Vanessa encourages couples to be open and honest about their feelings—even if intimacy isn’t possible right now. “It’s not about pressuring each other; it’s about connection. Saying something as simple as, ‘I love you, I miss us, and I know this is just a season we’ll get through together,’ can go a long way,” she says.
Acknowledging your current reality with compassion and reassurance can help both partners feel seen and valued, even if physical intimacy is temporarily on pause.
Redefining Intimacy: Baby Steps to Reconnect
Intimacy doesn’t have to mean diving straight into intercourse (because, let’s be real, who’s excited about that when you’re still rocking mesh undies?). Vanessa encourages new parents to broaden their definition of intimacy:
-Think Beyond Intercourse: 91% of women say intercourse isn’t their favorite sexual activity anyway. So, explore other forms of connection, like kissing, cuddling, or using toys.
-Start small: Holding hands during a late-night Netflix binge or a quick makeout session before bed counts.
-Communicate Openly: Share your feelings with your partner, even if it’s as simple as, “I miss us, but I’m just not ready yet.” Acknowledging where you’re at emotionally can work wonders.
What If You’re Not Ready?
Spoiler: That’s okay. Vanessa assures moms that it’s completely normal to take time to feel ready for intimacy again. “This is just a season,” she says. “Temporary changes in intimacy won’t permanently harm your relationship.”
Instead of rushing, focus on baby steps. “Ease your way back in—start with massages, cuddles, or even just holding hands,” Vanessa suggests. “And if you’re struggling, couples therapy can help bridge the gap.”
Resources for Rediscovering Desire:
If you’re ready to take that next step—or just want more guidance—Vanessa and Xander’s course, The Sensual Touch Challenge, all designed to build confidence, spark connection, and help you touch each other like it’s the first time again.. You can also follow them on Instagram @vanessaandxander or visit their website vmtherapy.com for more resources.
Here for you,
Remember, mama: this phase is temporary, and you’re doing an amazing job. Intimacy after birth is less about rushing to reclaim your pre-baby sex life and more about finding new ways to connect, honor your body, and navigate this beautiful (and exhausting) season of life.
